By a Cybernat Reporter

Before we begin I must ask you to check your computer isn't being monitored by the UK authorities.  It may also be wise to swing your head around to check for Unionist agents.

All clear?

Let's start with a confidential confession between us seekers of independence… I am not a member of any political party but I am a Cybernat!

Most independence supporters will know of the brave volunteer foot soldiers sent out to The Telegraph frontline to defuse the Unionist spin mines laid nightly by Major Cockers.  Someone really should alert the United Nations to the Weapons of Mass Deception (WMD) being used routinely by Cockers and his militia.

But few independence supporters will know of a ragtag group of mission specialists, otherwise known as the "Cybernat Black Ops Squad" (CyBOS).

Our mission is simple: to seek out, monitor and eliminate any Unionist cyber threat by all means necessary.

Now you know of us, let's move onto the debriefing of the latest exciting mission.

Radio chatter had alerted us to enemy movement just down the coast from Hunterston power station.  Why were undesirables convening so close to a nuclear power facility?  Could this be one of those subversive immigrant groups we had just been warned of by Home Secretary Theresa May?  Damn the Scottish Government for not having an Ayrshire border control checkpoint to protect us from the extremists and terrorists.

The mission became less urgent once we discovered it was an ineffective home grown cult operating out of Troon.  They had once been a significant force in Scotland, but their inability to listen to the people had made them scarcer than Edinburgh Zoo pandas.

The cult has strong links to a rogue empire, which even extends to blind devotion amongst its members to the UK government's supreme leader.  Prime Minister Cameron came up to rally the cult followers with movie reviews and claims of him being subservient to the local cheerleader.  He spewed out some other meaningless waffle before rushing to catch a plane back to London.  Something was mentioned about an intimate dinner with an important [cough] donor.

Perhaps the cult's iconic conference graphic of a tattered Union Jack was a forewarning of how the weekend was about to turn out.  How could they have such a disrespectful representation of the flag of a once great Union?  Maybe this is some kind of psychological tools to lower the expectations of the followers in the forthcoming referendum?  A let them down gently approach.

Routine surveillance of the state broadcaster provided insight to their true intentions and intelligence on a recently deployed cyber weapon:  "Scottish Independence: Ruth Davidson launches Friends of the Union." 

A visit to the newly launched revealed a clumsy cover operation set-up to fool the local Unionist population into joining the cult.  Shock and awe would be required to stop this latest extremist plot.  

Had the cult covered their flank by also registering the more appropriate domain name?  They should have been fine with all that specialist cyber talent present in the conference hall.  The school kids in their ranks will have had the basic knowledge and skillset to secure the blatantly obvious.

Imagine our surprise to find this was not the case.  The most elementary of marketing errors, a pure rookie mistake, had offered up an opportunity to severely dent the operational effectiveness of this potentially troublesome campaign.

Moments later the domain was registered and domain secrecy activated to disguise our top secret identity.  

Our next mission objective was one of humanitarian assistance.  A redirect instruction was created to send the misled people of Scotland to the safe harbour location of the SNP website.

The Cybernat laughter began to ring out on every major social network.

After a short time, the redirect was changed to take Unionists to the SNP donation webpage.

For a short time our cyber border was undefended as Cybernats found themselves rolling on the floor laughing.  

How long would it be before our cover was blown?

Twitter users were questioning the embedded correspondents as to why was taking users to the SNP website.  No answer was forthcoming from the reporters or even from ToryHoose, the propaganda wing of the cult.

Our cover was again put at risk when some friendly locals thought this was a phishing expedition by cyber-bandits.  We reassured them all was well and escaped to the safety of our Facebook base.

Would the cult notice the disintegration of their cunning plan?

Would the major campaign weapon, launched only hours before, get a mention in the inaugural speech of the new head cheerleader?

There was a slight delay while we awaited the transcript.  Well none of us could stomach watching it live.

Not a single mention. The Conservative Friends of the Union campaign must have been kick-boxed into touch.  Mission accomplished.

Later the domain was changed to redirect to the Newsnet Scotland A-Z of Unionist Myths, but we started to fear for the health of our Cybernat compatriots.  They seemed teary eyed, were unable to get off the floor and couldn't stop laughing.   

Reports have just come in of a censorship policy now being applied to the Conservative Friends of the Union Facebook page.  Reasonable comments are being removed and pro-independence supporters are being banned.  Do the Conservatives realise this is Scotland not North Korea?

Over the next few years we will be making regular excursions into enemy territory.  When plans go wrong for the Unionists you wouldn't be sure if it is down to sheer incompetence on their part or if it is another successful CyBOS mission.


# pictic-1 2012-03-26 23:21
Dear Mr Reporter,

this is obviously a well researched and ......

Ach forget it, I just loved it!!
# Katie Beardie 2012-03-27 00:14
Log into the Tory rag called 'Tory Hoose'. Lots of space for comments
# nottooweeorstupid 2012-03-27 09:44
I thought that was going to be a spoof site, very disappointed... oh, it was a spoof site?
# jude letham 2012-03-27 00:34
Brilliant piece!
How accurate yet humorous. I look forward to more.....
# Roll_On_2011 2012-03-27 00:45
From one Cybernat to another Cybernat, like pictic-1, I to loved your article.

It’s a pitty there is not a well defined term for our counterparts on the web…. perhaps we could call them Cyberprats… or better still just leave out the ‘p’….

Keep up the good work.
# doonhamer 2012-03-27 18:25

# Scotty0709 2012-03-27 01:05
Love this article lol
# grumblingtummy 2012-03-27 03:57
Brian Monteith is rightly scathing of this newly launched group in the Scotsman

What Brian doesn't say, but our CyBOS Reporter has mentioned, is the cynical true nature and reason for being of this campaign. The Tories are attempting to hijack the NO campaign as a recruitment drive tool.

It is important that we point this out to our pro-Union leaning friends and family. Do they really want to give funds to the children and grand-children of Thatcher?

Let them know there are other Unionist parties who are just a little more deserving of their support. But it is probably best they keep their money in their pockets for the UK Government will surely want it at some point over the next few years.

I cannot believe how clumsy the Scottish Conservatives have been with this one! Once again they have been found wanting by the Scottish people. No wonder they look so depressed in the daily page linked to by The page linked to appears to change at least once per day at the moment. Worth revisiting at least once a day.

Keep up the good work CyBOS!
# Macart 2012-03-27 07:02
Simply superb! :)
# Ben Power 2012-03-27 07:18
Very very clever, truly an inspired effort on your parts. It made my morning to wake up to this piece of news. Fantastic and well done. I'm sending the link to all I know.
# Vincent McDee 2012-03-27 07:20
Now few messages from our sponsors:

Ma tante is quatre-vingt-neuf aujourd'hui.

Mrs. McGregor's cat has a new catnip soaked toy.

The haggis is a Scottish delicacy.

Not all has been said about the Rangers' affair.

The next bulletin would be at 2100 hours.

That's all Cybbies.
# Sheltie 2012-03-27 07:59
The sun is shining

The sky is blue,

Not a breath of wind in these isles of mine.

But the roar of laughter from this piece is great.

Weel done CyBOS.
# velofello 2012-03-27 09:07
Well done agent 00! Can you imagine all the blue-rinse sweary words - dam, sugar,etc when they log on and discover an SNP invitation to a future Scotland.!
Reference BBC reporting of the conference, I did enjoy watching cyclists glide by along the shore walk behind the BBC reporters as they reported with gravitas about nothing much.
# Caadfael 2012-03-27 09:24
# Thee Forsaken One 2012-03-27 09:28
# grumblingtummy 2012-03-27 09:56
What I didn't full appreciate was Ruth Davidson made a big plug of Conservative Friends of the Union during her web chat with Brian Taylor. She practically claimed it was all her doing!

The PM plugged it in his speech. How embarrassing for him to plug something for the opponents to then go onto practically own!

The branding was everywhere at the conference. Must have cost a fair bit. I'm betting they also spent a bit of marketing and printing costs.

CyBOS's intervention ensured it had to be dropped from her speech.

Would anyone like to hazard a guess where it was in the speech before one of the aides had to cross it out with a big chisel permanent marker?
# rgweir 2012-03-27 10:01
First class,What a way to start my day.
# Inverlochy 1645 2012-03-27 10:42
You have made my day. That is class.
# Davy 2012-03-27 12:09
We must look at the serious aspect of this article, after finding out what was happening on Sat/Sun I had a 'pant' accident and had to engage the services of my washing machine. This ofcourse resulted in extra electrical power use and chemical usage aswell.
Further actions of this hilarious nature may result in further global warming and perhaps the very nice weather we are having just now is the result of this weekends actions.
You have been warned.

PS. could you try again last two weeks in July (holiday break)
# Marga B 2012-03-27 13:22
Great article!

But on a serious note, I see a student has been jailed for 56 days for a vile tweet on Muamba.

Horrible though his message was, could this sentence be used as a precedent for jailing "cybernats" - I'm sure there's planty who would like to see this happen.
# grumblingtummy 2012-03-27 14:05
Quoting Marga B:
Great article!

But on a serious note, I see a student has been jailed for 56 days for a vile tweet on Muamba.

Horrible though his message was, could this sentence be used as a precedent for jailing "cybernats" - I'm sure there's planty who would like to see this happen.

Even although this article is based on fact, it is clearly political satire - a comic article.

Marga, you've made a very important point.

Everyone needs to up their game on both sides of the debate! Hopefully this will be much easier once the YES campaign kicks off after the local elections.

My own rule of thumb is to be polite, debate the substance, don't insult the person and share the exciting good news of what independence will mean for Scotland.
# pmcrek 2012-03-27 16:58
If anyone is worried, take a look at:
# Dundonian West 2012-03-27 14:51
My name's Lamont---- Johann Lamont.
# mmarsattacks 2012-03-27 15:53
I can't believe that they could be so incompetent... Oh, wait a minute...
# ButeHouse 2012-03-27 16:45
Personally I'm shocked and appalled, shocked and appalled I say.

On the other hand do keep me informed of your next even more shocking and more appalling stunt, as it was mildly amusing nevertheless.

# rhymer 2012-03-27 19:59
Absolutely hilarious.
A most brilliant wheeze ( got that out of the Beano)

Keep up the good work.
# BigRab74 2012-03-27 20:03
I placed a polite comment on the Friends of the Union page - basically stating that on account of the Conservatives poor showing in both the 2010 and 2011 elections would it not have made more sense for them to have launched an apolitical campaign to save the union, or at least to have backed something like Reform Scotland. Given such a toxic brand in Scotland (irrespective of the reasons why), I felt this would carry more weight.

Result? Comment deleted and a ban. Whilst I support independence, I was actually offering some advice to the Tories as to how they might actually do better in Scotland!! Clearly this advice is unwanted!
# Hing em high 2012-03-27 20:55
Ta for the laugh!
# Leswil 2012-03-27 22:17
Witty and entertaining, enjoyed the laugh!
# lumilumi 2012-03-27 23:38
I must take a stern stand. It should be forbidden to post anything this hilarious to the unsuspecting public. They could come to all kinds of harm.

For instance, CyBOS agent 002014's piece earned me the ire of our instructor on this IT course I'm doing.

We were given a task, I finished it in no time and while the others were still struggling, I surfed the net and read this, trying to muffle my delighted giggles, also went to see the friendsoftheuni on link and couldn't help laughing out loud at the pics and captions of the Tory Troon conf.

The instructor then sternly asked me what was so funny that I'd disrupt the class?

Well, it is an IT thing, so after I'd explained this hapless campaign that failed to register a domain name, and let others play (delightful) havoc with it, damn cybernat-terrorists, I got off scot-free, not with a telling but with a commendation from the instructor. And in the process educated many fellow students about Scotland's aspirations. Several came to ask me about it on the coffee break.
# lumilumi 2012-03-27 23:53
Oh, and let me say this thing about NNS and other Cybernattery.

NNS is an invaluable source of information and news (taken with a pinch of salt ;-) , NNS is also a bit biased) but also a refreshing place where the commentators flex their humour muscle without spouting racist bile.

It was someone here who said that next Westminster says that Alex Salmond wouldn't let the Scots drive on the left if Scotland became independent. ROTFL, but it sounds like a typical unionist scarestory.

Another Cybernat blog/comments came up with this jewel: Prime Toff David Cameron.
# Adrian B 2012-03-28 00:17
Fresh from 'friends of the union' facebook page

Iain Barker Bill! The Tories in Scotland are presently by thier actions and thier words implementing thier own form of assisted suicide! Let them get on with it! I wonder what Charels Darwin would have made of thier anti Scottish and anti English racist stupidity?

Iain Barker Actually come to think of it! Why do you Brit Nationalists hate every country that has dared to cut the apron string and then some?

Bill Brodie Simon,'The conservative party would actually benefit politically if the union did break up' and Scotland would too. It's a win win situation

And perhaps Lord Forsyth may now agree with the last comment?
# neebor 2012-03-28 06:20
Dundonian West

Is that shaken, not stirred ?

I think we should be told !

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