By a Cybernat Reporter
Before we begin I must ask you to check your computer isn't being monitored by the UK authorities. It may also be wise to swing your head around to check for Unionist agents.
Let's start with a confidential confession between us seekers of independence… I am not a member of any political party but I am a Cybernat!
Most independence supporters will know of the brave volunteer foot soldiers sent out to The Telegraph frontline to defuse the Unionist spin mines laid nightly by Major Cockers. Someone really should alert the United Nations to the Weapons of Mass Deception (WMD) being used routinely by Cockers and his militia.
But few independence supporters will know of a ragtag group of mission specialists, otherwise known as the "Cybernat Black Ops Squad" (CyBOS).
Our mission is simple: to seek out, monitor and eliminate any Unionist cyber threat by all means necessary.
Now you know of us, let's move onto the debriefing of the latest exciting mission.
Radio chatter had alerted us to enemy movement just down the coast from Hunterston power station. Why were undesirables convening so close to a nuclear power facility? Could this be one of those subversive immigrant groups we had just been warned of by Home Secretary Theresa May? Damn the Scottish Government for not having an Ayrshire border control checkpoint to protect us from the extremists and terrorists.
The mission became less urgent once we discovered it was an ineffective home grown cult operating out of Troon. They had once been a significant force in Scotland, but their inability to listen to the people had made them scarcer than Edinburgh Zoo pandas.
The cult has strong links to a rogue empire, which even extends to blind devotion amongst its members to the UK government's supreme leader. Prime Minister Cameron came up to rally the cult followers with movie reviews and claims of him being subservient to the local cheerleader. He spewed out some other meaningless waffle before rushing to catch a plane back to London. Something was mentioned about an intimate dinner with an important [cough] donor.
Perhaps the cult's iconic conference graphic of a tattered Union Jack was a forewarning of how the weekend was about to turn out. How could they have such a disrespectful representation of the flag of a once great Union? Maybe this is some kind of psychological tools to lower the expectations of the followers in the forthcoming referendum? A let them down gently approach.
Routine surveillance of the state broadcaster provided insight to their true intentions and intelligence on a recently deployed cyber weapon: "Scottish Independence: Ruth Davidson launches Friends of the Union."
A visit to the newly launched conservativefriendsoftheunion.com revealed a clumsy cover operation set-up to fool the local Unionist population into joining the cult. Shock and awe would be required to stop this latest extremist plot.
Had the cult covered their flank by also registering the more appropriate friendsoftheunion.com domain name? They should have been fine with all that specialist cyber talent present in the conference hall. The school kids in their ranks will have had the basic knowledge and skillset to secure the blatantly obvious.
Imagine our surprise to find this was not the case. The most elementary of marketing errors, a pure rookie mistake, had offered up an opportunity to severely dent the operational effectiveness of this potentially troublesome campaign.
Moments later the friendsoftheunion.com domain was registered and domain secrecy activated to disguise our top secret identity.
Our next mission objective was one of humanitarian assistance. A redirect instruction was created to send the misled people of Scotland to the safe harbour location of the SNP website.
The Cybernat laughter began to ring out on every major social network.
After a short time, the redirect was changed to take Unionists to the SNP donation webpage.
For a short time our cyber border was undefended as Cybernats found themselves rolling on the floor laughing.
How long would it be before our cover was blown?
Twitter users were questioning the embedded correspondents as to why friendsoftheunion.com was taking users to the SNP website. No answer was forthcoming from the reporters or even from ToryHoose, the propaganda wing of the cult.
Our cover was again put at risk when some friendly locals thought this was a phishing expedition by cyber-bandits. We reassured them all was well and escaped to the safety of our Facebook base.
Would the cult notice the disintegration of their cunning plan?
Would the major campaign weapon, launched only hours before, get a mention in the inaugural speech of the new head cheerleader?
There was a slight delay while we awaited the transcript. Well none of us could stomach watching it live.
Not a single mention. The Conservative Friends of the Union campaign must have been kick-boxed into touch. Mission accomplished.
Later the domain was changed to redirect to the Newsnet Scotland A-Z of Unionist Myths, but we started to fear for the health of our Cybernat compatriots. They seemed teary eyed, were unable to get off the floor and couldn't stop laughing.
Reports have just come in of a censorship policy now being applied to the Conservative Friends of the Union Facebook page. Reasonable comments are being removed and pro-independence supporters are being banned. Do the Conservatives realise this is Scotland not North Korea?
Over the next few years we will be making regular excursions into enemy territory. When plans go wrong for the Unionists you wouldn't be sure if it is down to sheer incompetence on their part or if it is another successful CyBOS mission.